Should We Take Notes?
by redheadedninja
Summary: Four pharmacy students and one wanna-be epidemiologist (and all are best friends) are dropped (literally) into Middle Earth in order to help Thorin and Company on their quest. This is a complete crack!fic and basically, I'm tired and have been laughing at the thought of my friends and I causing problems in Middle Earth. Rated M for swearing and general sassy-ness.
1. Everything was White

**So I've had this plot bunny for the past few days... the characters are based on my four best friends and they are quite aware that I have written this. They all got to pick out their own names and they all decided that they wanted to be elves (the little traitors! I was only going to have one of them as an elf. Now they've made things a bit more difficult... like, how do you stuff an Elf into a burlap sack?). **

**This isn't going to be a step-by-step following of the story, mainly I'll be jumping from one scene to another as I realize that I can use it to my crazy crack!fic imagination. :D**

**I'm half-way done with the next Martyr chapter too! Yay!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Hobbit- Everything belongs to the great J.R.R. Tolkien.**

* * *

Everything was White. And not in that stupid "it's-technically-still-white-just-different-shades-of-it-so- you-can- tell-apart-various-objects" white… Gabby just called that art technique "lazy".

No, this was a blinding, been-cleaned-by-bleach-too-many-times White. She could have sworn she had just been arguing with Cassidy over breastfeeding and which questions she should Never Ever ask in Gabby's presence. Never mind the fact that the situation had happened yesterday and that the new mother was actually one of their good friends.-Gabby was still scarred and thus, needed to press upon Cassidy the seriousness of her offenses.

And she just really didn't want to do work for Jurisprudence. The last year of pharmacy school before being shoved out into Forced Servitude (a.k.a. Unpaid Internships) was apparently one lacking in Motivation.

But that still didn't explain how she had gotten to White World. Perhaps she had fallen asleep? If so, this was a very boring dream… probably an unconscious form of punishment for tuning out the Jurisprudence professor this morning. That was entirely not her fault though! Her favorite fan fiction had just been updated that morning and the teacher really made it too easy to ignore her. And besides, she was sure her professor would understand… it was a top!Bilbo and insecure!Thorin story after all. Who could resist that?

Zoning out slightly (if one could zone out in a dream), Gabby almost missed the faint popping noise. The fact that her four best friends had suddenly appeared next to her however was slightly harder to overlook.

"Um… okay." Eryk stated rather slowly, looking around at everyone. Gabby ignorde him, her eyes shut tight and mutterings of "please make Thorin be tied up" heard. The others (Cassidy, Alice, and Lauryn) were just sitting there, still trying to figure out why everything was White.

"I could have sworn I was just typing up Pharmacy Administration notes"

Eryk continued talking and Gabby kept pretending to be ignoring everyone- _stupid subconscious would make her feel quilty for sleeping instead of studying._

"Welcome, Children of Men."

Everyone (minus Gabby- it was _her_ dream after all and she was going to make it less White) whipped around to see who had started talking. Cassidy sharply poked Gabby in the side in a clear sign of _stop the shit_ _and look._ Gabby slapped her hand away but opened her eyes all the same.

_Stupid dream._

In front of the group of friends stood a woman wearing a flowing White gown, a look of timelessness upon her brow and white blonde locks. Gabby named her Bleach and promptly lost interest, closing her eyes and trying to imagine a mustard stain on Bleach's dress somewhere.

None of the others did however and Gabby heard Lauryn ask Bleach who she was and where they were.

"My name is Yavanna and you are in the Between. I've picked you five out to help on a quest."

"Fuck yes! I knew this was an awesome dream!" Gabby had recognized the name Yavanna and snapped open her eyes, convinced that this was going to be the best dream of her life. _I'm sorry I doubted you subconscious._

"This is not a dream Gabby of New York… you and your friends are needed to change the outcomes of the Reclamation of Erebor."

"Oh okay then non-Dream person. That just makes everything seem believable because a dream would never deny that it was a dream."

Eryk was giving Bleach his perfected "Bitch Please" look while Lauryn just laughed, albeit a little nervously. Cassidy let out an extremely confused "wait what?"

Rolling her eyes (Gabby didn't realize the Valar even knew how to do that. Dream: 1. Reality: 0), Bleach waved her hand and suddenly the group found themselves staring at… well… themselves. They were all sitting where they had remembered being before this stupid White-ness and appeared to be frozen.

"Your bodies are resting and will remain so while you are gone. Your conscious will move into forms that I have created for you, in order for you to better _mingle_ with the Company. When you return to your original forms, it will be as if no time has passed at all. This isn't a dream Children of Men. If you die in that world, you can never return to your own so I suggest you start taking this seriously." Bleach sounded rather huffy, clearly unused to people not taking her words seriously.

"You're not very Other-Worldly when you're pissed are you?" Gabby observed helpfully. Or unhelpfully, depending on the point of view.

The Vala just glared at the red head before continuing.

"Your own skills are an essential addition to the company. You can do more than you know, young mortals." She looked quite pleased with herself that she had managed to get her cryptic tone back.

"So let me get this straight- You're planning on dropping us smack-dab into the middle of the Hobbit, with no skills, no powers, no anything and expect us to survive? Good plan! Wonder why we never thought of that? Oh yeah, because it sucks, not to mention impossible."

Alice was such a Sassy Little Russian and it made Gabby so proud.

And then she saw Cassidy's glare and actually felt a _tad_ afraid. She had only gotten that glare once in her life (well, probably more times than that but, she conveniently forgot the others) and she knew it spelled danger.

So, being the Kind and Considerate friend she was, she placed Eryk and Alice in between her and Cassidy and tried to act innocent.

Because she just _knew_ this was going to get blamed on her. She just _knew_ it.

Bleach, or Yavanna, really didn't look happy in that moment and was clearly about to say something when she was interrupted.

"So… say for some _crazy_ reason, we decided that we _don't_ want to go, you'll just put us back right?" Lauryn looked cautiously optimistic and it was clear that she tried really hard to keep the sarcasm out of her voice.

Gabby thought that she failed quite nicely.

"At this point, I've decided that you are all going on this journey whether you like it or not." Bleach answered with a haughty look.

Eryk chose that moment to cough, a sound that sounded strangely like 'spiteful bitch' while Alice nodded in agreement next to him. Cassidy continued to glare at the tall woman while Lauryn just rested her head on her hands in defeat. Gabby decided that she really wished this was just a dream and couldn't figure out when she had decided that it wasn't.

And that's when the floor dropped out from under them.

* * *

Gabby woke up to the sounds of horses.

Well, she actually woke up to something poking her hard in the back and then _heard_ the sounds of horses. Jumping up, she put on her most ferocious face and stared at… well…

A pair of knees.

_What?_

Actually, looking around, she realized that there were _four_ pairs of knees surrounded by a group of angry looking men.

_Wait a minute…_

Looking up, she realized that knees belonged to her friends who were, for all intents and purposes, Elves.

"Who gave you guys a shot of growth hormone? And where's mine?!"

"Someone grab the wee lass before the tree-humpers eat 'er!" was the next thing she heard before she was violently pulled backwards into a tree trunk.

Correction: dwarf. She was pulled backwards in a _dwarf_ that was still taller than her.

_Don't look at your feet. Don't look at your feet._

During Gabby's extremely unhelpful internal chant, Eryk, Cassidy, Lauryn and Alice were trying to figure out how to get themselves _away_ from the business ends of the angry, short, and dreadfully hairy men's weapons.

Actually, Lauryn was really the only one trying to figure out how to get out of the situation. Alice was muttering something violent sounding in Russian and standing with her arms crossed, Cassidy was glaring at anything and everything, and Eryk…

Well, Eryk was explaining in great detail how he would _never_ hump a tree as he likes penis, Thank You Very Much before giving the dwarves an evil smirk when one of them covered another's ears while muttering about the evils of the Elves.

"SHE MADE ME A HOBBIT! I'm a hobbit! Why am I a hobbit?!"

"Excuse me but, what is so terrible about being a hobbit?" said an indignant voice from behind Tree the Dwarf.

"Everything Bilbo Baggins, everything!" Gabby shot back, ignoring the shocked looks on all the dwarves faces. She would deal with them later. Right now, her friends were all elves while she was just a _hobbit_. That was so Not Fair.

Eryk and Alice's dark brown hair now extended down to the middle of their backs and Gabby knew that they would most likely end up cutting it short first chance they got. Cassidy's brunette hair had also grown to the middle of her back and was being blown about gently in the breeze, its tips appearing auburn in the sunlight. Lauryn's blond hair hadn't grown as much as the others had (as she had always worn it longer than the others) but it was still long enough to reach the small of her back. She had it pulled over her shoulder and was nervously glancing between the dwarves with weapons and any possible split ends her hair might have. And of course, all four of them had pointed ears (well, she supposed that she did too) and looked freaking _amazing._

Jerks.

Stomping up to them with feet that she still refused to look at, she reached up and pulled Cassidy's hair, forcing the girl to sit down quickly with a yelp. It also caused Cassidy to punch her in the shoulder, which hurts more when you're 2 feet shorter instead of 2 inches.

As the rest of her friends sat down, Gabby started shaking her head. "This is bad."

"No shit Sherlock." Eryk said at the same time as Alice's "Well no shit."

Lauryn just continued to look around at the people holding the "pointy objects" at them and kept whispering "why are they so pointy? Don't they know that they could hurt someone with pointy things?"

Eryk just patted her leg comfortingly, knowing that her brain would return by the end of this whole ordeal.

Cassidy continued to practice her wide range of facial expressions and had now started a glaring/staring contest with a dwarf that looked to be Thorin. Actually, the only thing that was missing from the "This Dwarf Is Thorin" hints was a bright neon sign over his head with the name "Thorin". And maybe a pimp cane… er… scepter.

Gabby actually thought that Cassidy might have a chance at winning against the dwarf king.

Staring contests aside, they actually did have a big problem. Mainly due to the fact that everyone knows Dwarves and Elves Never Get Along, including Miss I'm-Yavanna-and-Bleach-my-Roots. In fact, Gabby would have gone as far so to say that Bleach had made most of them elves just to make their lives miserable. Just as she was about to start swearing about the egos of the Valar, an old man dressed all in grey walked up to the circle of elves (and one hobbit) and just beamed.

"Welcome to Middle Earth. I have long been expecting your presence."

"In other words, you had no idea we were coming until we showed up."

Did Gabby mention that she loved her Sassy Russian?

Gandalf just smiled even wider, if that were humanly (wizardly?) possible. "I admit that I am hardly Yavanna's first choice when it comes to explaining her plans but she did inform me last night that you were being sent here and that you would have the gift of foresight."

"Yeah, because we _clearly_ look like people who saw this coming."

Lauryn apparently was able to snap out of her ruminating on pointy objects long enough to throw some sarcasm Gandalf's way before Fili's twin swords caught her attention again and she was off mumbling about males and sharp objects.

The wizard just hm'ed amusedly before turning back to the dwarves.

"It would be unwise to leave them Thorin Oakenshield, especially as they were sent with the specific purpose to help _you_."

Thorin just growled, clearly unwilling to give up his starting match with Cassidy to give Gandalf a proper answer. Gabby decided that it was time to step in as she didn't feel like spending all day watching two stubborn people be… well… stubborn. Picking the one that she thought would be easiest to deter from the staring match, Gabby stepped forward.

"I would forfeit that battle now Mr. Thorin. Your stubbornness may be legendary but so is Cassidy's. You'll both be sitting here until the day you die, glaring at each other. And then she'll still win because she is an elf after all and basically immortal. So you better just get it over with now and lose already."

Thorin had turned his glare on to her and thus lost the staring match… er… Great Battle of Wills. Cassidy gave a little victory smirk and preened, looking very pleased with herself.

"We do not travel with elves and elf-friends Gandalf. They'll only slow us down, the dirty tree-shaggers." While Thorin spoke to the wizard, he maintained his fierce gaze on the group of friends, disgust and unhappiness clearly on his face.

His insult of course set Eryk off on another rant of how he liked _penis _and Don't You Dwarves Ever Pay Attention?

* * *

In the end Gandalf left to find some more horses, mumbling something about an old friend that might be able to help (Alice ruefully whispered that Gandalf never had any young friends) and the dwarves made sure the elves and red headed hobbit were in the middle of their company.

When Gandalf returned with two horses (Gabby would be riding with Bilbo apparently and she doubted she would survive the journey), Lauryn was the first to make her protests known.

"Yeah, seeing how I thought a baby horse was a _pony_, I really don't think I should steer this thing. Let alone even be on it." In the end, it was Eryk and Cassidy on one horse and Alice and Lauryn on the other, Alice taking control of their horse.

The dwarves were already mounted and moving on when Gabby's cries of "Oh Hell to the NO!" were heard. Growling, Thorin turned his pony around rather harshly, only to stop when he saw the new hobbit telling Bilbo that she would not be riding with him if he was going to be holding his reins like _that_ and what if the pony bolted, or if he needed to stop suddenly, etc.

For the sake of everyone's ears (but mainly his own), Thorin rode up to the bickering hobbits, grabbed Bilbo by the waist and yanked him off the pony and then deposited the wiggling red head on it instead. Then he settled Bilbo in behind her and rode off with a growl of "Now be _silent_."

And so four pharmacy interns and one wanna-be epidemiologist settled in to their unwanted journey quite nicely.

Until dinnertime that is.

* * *

**Please let me know what you think... I would love to say that my friends and I don't act like this... but we actually kind of do.**


	2. The Dangers of a Song

**I would just like to say that I was delusional. Apparently, working 52 hours a week only really leaves time for sleeping and eating, not much writing. But I was in a mood today and decided to take a glance at this story again (AKA I was in a crack!fic mood and I'm in a really serious part of Martyr and cannot write it when I'm in crack!fic mood).**

**So I don't know if anyone reads this besides my friends but... yeah. I needed to be an annoying hobbit for a night haha.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Hobbit!**

* * *

"I wear my suuunnn-glasses at night… so I can… uhh…. SEE THE LIIIIGGGHHHTTT!" Gabby sang at the top of her lungs, ignoring the glares being directed towards her from random members of the group- her own friends included.

"Don't you know any other songs?" Bilbo asked from behind her, clearly disgruntled and very sick of hearing an off key voice sing about sunglasses (whatever those were) and night, Thank You Very Much.

"Shhhh! Don't say that! She'll start singing…" Alice said quickly, trying to head off what she knew was coming.

"Oh god, now you've done it!" Eryk groaned piteously at the same time. Cassidy's left eye stared to twitch and Lauryn gave a nervous laugh. After all, Gabby was the girl that created the "Strapple Grapple" while being bored one day- inviting her to share her creativity was never a good idea.

Bilbo looked at the four elves in confusion, as did most of the dwarves (even though all of them had been trying to act like they were still ignoring the new additions). They all wondered what could be worse than that song until Gabby answered with a peppy "Of course!" and started singing.

"Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phraa-aaase! Hakuna Matata! Ain't no passing craa-aazeee! It means no worries, for the rest of your daaa-aaays! It's our problem free, philoo-ooosophy. Hakuna Matata!"

"Damnit! Now it's stuck in my head!" Eryk cried out as Alice covered her face with her hands and groaned. Cassidy looked like she had a bug stuck in her eye, the lid was twitching so much and Lauryn appeared to be muttering something about how she _knew_ she shouldn't have sat down at that chair!

Later that evening, when Bilbo caught himself singing "Hakuna Matata" under his breath, he understood why the elves reacted so strangely. Glancing around, he realized that he wasn't the only one with the song stuck in his head.

The elves were still singing the song every now and then and groaning, shooting glares at the red headed hobbit curled up by the fire.

Fili and Kili hummed the tune as they walked back from camp, arms full of firewood.

Gloin was asking Oin if he thought Gimli would enjoy the song or not and should he turn it into a ballad for his lovely wife?

Bifur was muttering what sounded to be the tune under his breath, but in words that Bilbo didn't understand.

Bofur was attempting to play the melody on his flute while Bombur heartily sung the song, adding his own words (mainly about food) as he cooked dinner.

Ori was busy writing in his journal and when asked, stated that he was documenting the song so that it would never be forgotten. Bilbo didn't think that it ever could be forgotten, written in a journal or not, but he refrained from telling the young dwarf that.

Dori and Nori were humming between each other, trying to turn the song into a duet (or at least that's what it appeared to be).

Balin was bobbing his head as he sat next to Gandalf, who appeared to be blowing music-note shaped smoke clouds from his pipe.

Thorin sat on the wizard's other side and his face betrayed nothing, but Bilbo was positive that he was trying to force the lyrics out of his head. "Or he could just be constipated." Bilbo muttered quietly to himself.

And Dwalin… well, Dwalin was apparently going to literally beat the song out of his mind. Bilbo was slightly alarmed by this sight (it isn't every day you see a dwarf hitting themselves over the head with either a very large branch or very small tree trunk), but figured that it wasn't his place to step in and stop it. Besides, no one else looked alarmed at his behavior, which gave Bilbo the suspicious feeling that it really wasn't that uncommon of an occurrence for the tattoo-covered dwarf.

However, once dinner was finished, it looked as if everyone had gotten the blasted tune out of their heads. Bofur struck up a lively tune about a dwarf maid that married a rock (because it made less of a mess than any dwarf-man) and soon everyone was singing raunchy songs and laughing at old stories. Before long, Thorin was setting up watches and everyone was settling down to sleep.

As a silence overtook the camp, for the dwarves were not yet asleep enough to start snoring but too tired to keep talking, they heard a soft voice start singing.

"Hakuna Matata… what a wonderful phrase…."

"GODDAMMIT GABBY!"

* * *

The next day was bright and sunny with a (thankful) lack of singing. Gabby, it seemed, was trying to make up to her friends for her obnoxious song choice yesterday, but Bilbo wasn't sure which was worse: catchy out-of-tune songs or random outbursts of "Well, at least we don't have to see Moose anymore!"

Who or what exactly was Moose?

Deciding that it was actually too dangerous to ask, as the explanation would undoubtedly be long-winded, incomplete and not very helpful, Bilbo instead helped to make breakfast and just listened as the hobbit continued rambling.

"Hey guys, we can't get anymore disapproving emails from the professors now either!"

"Oh, they'll find a way." Alice responded, quite secure in her belief of the evil powers of their school's faculty.

"Hey, I miss my emails!" Lauryn exclaimed, looking slightly offended.

"Yeah but you don't get the same emails as us" Eryk stated and Lauryn nodded her head as she responded: "True. I just have the professors that don't know when class ends and hold us over for a million hours."

"Don't be so dramatic." Gabby teased, "You know you love spending your entire life with your teachers."

Lauryn just glared while Gabby tried (and failed) to keep a straight face.

"I miss starting plagues,' a new voice added in a tone often reserved for saying that one misses spring flowers, ice cream cones in the summer, or Youtube videos of puppies trying to climb down the stairs…

The dwarves stopped moving and stared in abject horror at the new speaker. Cassidy stood there and stared back, unapologetic.

Eryk laid a sympathetic hand on her shoulder and gave a little squeeze. "I miss it too. 'Plagues' is one of the best things I played in a while."

"Yeah, but my plague was better, so obviously I miss it more. No, no… shhhh… it was better than yours." Cassidy interrupted him with more shushing and "no" whenever he opened his mouth to argue.

It all became too much for Kili. "You can talk?" he blurted out, and then yelped in pain as his brother elbowed him in the side.

Cassidy looked at him like he was an idiot. "Of course I can talk. How else am I supposed to tell people that their antibiotics can give them C. diff?"

Lauryn perked her head up."C. diff? Where?!"

Cassidy gave a sad sigh. "Not here apparently."

Alice looked thoughtful for a moment before suggesting to Eryk that they make some penicillin, "just to get the resistance going", at which point Gabby started to softly sing about fat cats and heart attacks.

The still-silent dwarves (and one wide-eyed hobbit) started to slowly back away from the crazy elves, praying that they wouldn't be noticed until they were mounted on the ponies and able to make a quick get-away. Gandalf was the only one who didn't seem to be disturbed by the new topic but, that did little to comfort Bilbo, as the wizard was the one to get them into this mess.

As the elves continued to discuss amongst themselves about what they would need to make this 'penicillin', a deep voice roared out "ENOUGH!" and caused Bilbo and everyone (excluding Gandalf… again) to leap a foot in the air. "Enough with all of your elvish and hobbit nonsense!"

Bilbo was still too started by Thorin's shout to sputter properly at the unfair accusation that hobbits would _ever_ act like that, or else he would have given Thorin the sputtering of his life.

"I don't know what this ' ' is, or why you start plagues, or what fat cats have to do with any of it, but I do know that I have had enough of it! I don't care what the Valar say, I do not want you on this quest! It's bad enough that you are elves, but now you are also sick in the head!"

Gabby raised her right hand slowly, a cautious look on her face.

"What?" Thorin growled out, his gaze like daggers. Gabby visibly swallowed.

'Well… I just wanted to say," she said in a shaky voice before taking a deep breath, 'that I'm actually a _hobbit_ and don't appreciate your blatant disregard for my race, you… racist! And furthermore," Gabby's voice rose in both pitch and volume as she stepped forward and jabbed a finger into Thorin's armor-covered chest, 'we didn't _ask_ to be placed here! Little Miss Prissy-Pants dropped us here and told us that _we_ had to help _you_, Mister My-Balls-Are-Bigger-Than-Anyone-Else's-Here. So if there's anyone here that doesn't want us on this quest, it's us!"

The elves nodded vigorously behind their friend, silently supporting her and encouraging her to continue.

"Which is exactly why we're going to follow you like a bunch of pharmacy interns in their first week of rotations so, you better get used to it!" Gabby's declaration came out of left field and smacked her friends upside the head as she crossed her arms and tilted her chin up defiantly, something that would have been more intimidating if she had been more than three and a half feet tall.

"Wha-wh-wh-what?!" Lauryn sputtered and shook her head violently. "That was not how you were supposed to end your little speech! You were supposed to say "I'm terribly sorry, but hasta la vista gentlemen!"

Gabby pulled a face."That's not how that line goes Lauryn. But apparently, seeing how all of you are surprised by my answer, I say we vote. Heck, I say we vote and that Cassidy counts as three people!" Gabby grinned up at her friends.

Alice raised her eyebrow, slightly suspicious but unable to place why, before agreeing. "Sure, why not? Eryk, yay or nay?"

Gabby snorted."Yay or nay? Really?" Alice glared at her.

Eryk tapped his chin. "Gee, let me think-NAY."

Alice nodded and turned to Lauryn. "Lauryn?"

"Oh, I really feel like dying. Of course I pick Nay!"

Alice nodded once more and then sighed as she faced the next person. "Gabby?"

"I really don't test well under pressure."

"Gabby…."

"Yay, obviously. Yay!"

Eryk shot Alice a look and muttered "You couldn't have picked 'yes' or 'no'?" Alice threw her hands into the air. "Well obviously I hadn't thought this out very well!" she muttered back, annoyed. Eryk shook his head. "Obviously. Now which do you pick? Yay or Nay?"

"I pick nay." Alice answered.

Gabby pouted at her. "Spoil sport." Alice noted that Gabby didn't look all that upset however, and just shrugged and responded "I'm Russian" before turning to Cassidy. "Cassidy?"

Cassidy smiled sweetly at Alice. "Yes Alice?"

"Yay or nay?"

"Hmmm…I pick-"

Gabby interrupted her. "Oh, I should probably mention, in case you didn't know this already Cassidy, that these noble dwarves here,' Gabby gestured to the slightly-nervous Company behind her, 'are on a quest to take back their ancient and majestic kingdom."

Cassidy huffed. "Yes,I gathered that much. And you interrupted-"

"Yes, but what you didn't gather is that they are taking it back from _a dragon_." Gabby interrupted Cassidy again, this time with a smug smile on her face. Alice and Lauryn both groaned and Eryk started walking towards the nearest tree with the intention of banging his head against it.

Cassidy's excited squeals of "Dragon baby! I vote yay! I want to see the Dragon Baby!" drowned out the sound of Alice berating herself for forgetting about the "fucking giant ass dragon."

Gabby turned a self-satisfied smile back to Thorin's shocked face. "Like I said Mister Oakenshield, we're going to follow you to the end. Or at least to the part with the dragon."

Gandalf chuckled.


End file.
